Sex positions that sound sexy but are usually awkward

Have you ever watched a few minutes of porn, and thought, “I could do that?” But then, of course, you make the attempt at whatever pseudo-acrobatic sex position you have in mind, and one of you slips and falls, busts their lip, lands on the floor, or otherwise has a really awkward, and possibly painful, moment?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Some sex positions are easy for almost everyone

Like spooning. Others, well, those require advanced training and the flexibility of an Olympic gymnast. Don’t let porn fool you. With proper lighting, multiple camera angles, and the ability to attempt positions multiple times, we could probably make these positions look sexy, too.
 

Sex in the shower

I admit I’ve had great sex in the shower - twice. Every other time? Well, we tried, and then considered it foreplay and moved our slippery, slightly bruised bodies to a bed. Between the size of the tub, the possibility of taking out a shower door, or, in my case, almost falling out of the shower through the curtain, it’s less sexy and more life-threatening than some would have you believe.

My partner and I are the exact same height. You’d think that would make penetrative sex in the shower easy. Actually, no. I clutch the rack that holds a wash cloth, or lean all the way over and put my fingers on the side of the tub. Either way, slipping is a given, but that’s only if the leg cramp doesn’t get me first.

Oh, I tried the blow job in the shower thing. It was sexy until we shifted and the spray ran over my face, choking me. We change positions, laugh it off as a funny moment, or avoid shower sex completely. But, foreplay in the shower is always an option. Smacks on the ass, fingered pussies, stroked cocks, and anything else that gets you worked up and ready for what you can do after you get out of the shower and back on dry land is a good option.
 

Bent over...anything

I’ve had sex bent over an office chair, the edge of the bed, a chest, the dresser, and the kitchen counter. In the heat of the moment, when it happens in a fit of passion, it’s too animalistic for anything awkward. Every nerve ending tingles. Orgasms are plentiful. And, at least for me, my throat is sore because I screamed so loud.
 

The rest of the time?

Think leg cramps, toe cramps (true story), a back that just won’t arch anymore, and the thought, “Can’t we just lay down?” running through my mind.

It all comes down to the height range between you and your partner. If you bend over, and you’re at the perfect level for a cock (real or strap-on) to penetrate, it might not be so bad - well, assuming you don’t get a muscle cramp. For the rest of us who don’t have that luxury? We’re practicing our acrobatics - and trying to find out how long we can stay conscious with all the blood rushing to our heads.

Positions that require balance and strength

All sex requires at least a little balance and strength, and certainly stamina. Then there are positions like the Plow Position or the Lustful Leg Position or Standing Missionary that need something extra - like Olympic-level training, 10 years of yoga mastery, or an upper/lower body strength most people simply don’t possess.

The closest I’ve ever come to anything like this is a position that requires my legs to be perpendicular to the floor, straight up in the air, pressed against my partner’s torso. He holds my legs up, angling my hips and ass towards him, and fucks me while holding my legs up. We’ve tried it a few times. Again, it’s one of those that if you’re in the throes of animal fucking and passion, you don’t feel the leg cramp or the muscle strain.

The last time we did it, we couldn’t hold the position for more than a few seconds. He’s a pretty strong guy, but I’m out of shape enough that I couldn’t really help him out. It was much easier for him to push my legs across my torso, expose my body completely, and fuck me hard. It was better, too.

Anyone who finds these positions intriguing should test them out. Or make upper body strength a new goal so you can maneuver you and your partner into position. But go into it with a sense of humor and a willingness to move to a a flat, non-life-threatening position. Just because you see it done in a video or image online, doesn’t mean it’s easy, and just because someone tells you it’s the best new position to try doesn’t make it right for you.

Sex is sometimes sensual, erotic, fulfilling, and passionate. But it’s also awkward, funny, and filled with weird noises. If you come across a position that’s more of the latter than the former, don’t feel bad. It happens to all of us.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.