What is the Eroscillator? For the third installment of my ongoing cross-website sex toy review series, I thought I’d mix it up a bit by reviewing an individual toy rather than an online toyshop. I’ll be doing both kinds of reviews in the coming weeks - and I’m open to review requests, either in the comments or over on Twitter.
No really, wtf is the Eroscillator?
As my regular readers may very well recall, I’m not exactly one of life’s major climaxers. Various partners and I have experimented with a lot of different things over the years, including one particularly memorable occasion when someone pinned me down and used a Hitachi Magic Wand on me for most of the length of Matrix Revolutions.
I didn’t come, but it was enormous fun - not to mention the only time anyone has ever managed to make that godawful film seem enjoyable. What was less fun was the fact that I felt numb and sore for about a week afterwards. I couldn’t believe how long the feeling lasted.
I reported my findings to the partner in question, and they went away to have a think about this - and, I suspect, to do some research. The next time I went to visit them they’d bought one of these, and I spent pretty much an entire evening tied to a bed with that thing and my partner for company. I didn’t come then, either - what can I say, I’m a tough nut to crack - but what I did have was something of a transcendental experience. By the end I was sobbing, writhing, begging. It was incredible; I’ve had good trips that were less intense and mind-altering than that was. And I didn’t lose a scrap of sensation, either then or afterward.
What are the specs of the Eroscillator?
The whole point of the Eroscillator is that it isn’t really a vibrator at all; rather than vibrating, this toy oscillates. The theory goes that it mimics the sensation of a human finger - only harder, faster, and without getting cramps.
It’s a mains-powered vibrator, and I believe it is available with UK, EU or US adapted plugs depending on where you buy it. It comes with a much longer lead than many of its competitors, for which we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
As with most things of this sort, of course, the real trick is in the attachments. You have to get the most expensive pack to get every possible one, of course - not to mention put up with their ridiculous naming choices - but should you decide to do that here’s what you’d have to pick from:
Ball and Cup - with a rounded ‘ball’ on one side and a convex ‘cup’ on the other, this is the default attachment and (I believe) the one responsible for my fondly recalled evening of dear-god-what-is-happening-to-me-right-now intensity. It’s designed to be used on the nipples as well as the clitoris, if that’s your thing.
Grapes and Cockscomb - this one looks weird, there’s no two ways about it. It’s an interesting feeling, though, and worth a try if you’d like something that finds your labia as well as your clitoris.
Golden Spoon - this one’s like an enhanced version of the ball and cup, with a slightly more elongated shape and a flatter nobbled reverse side.
French Legionnaire's Moustache - with its odd-looking nylon bristles, this one gets mixed responses - but I imagine it is very much worth a go.
Seven Pearls of the Orient - never one to be outdone, this is Eroscillator’s attempt at making an attachment that can be used internally as well as externally. It’s an interesting sensation, given how differently the motor functions to the ones in ‘normal’ vibrators.
Ultra Soft Fingertip - the softest of the available heads is strangely squishy, and receives very good reviews from pretty much everyone who tries it. This one’s best with a little lube.
G-Point - designed to be the most versatile of them all, this can be used either externally or internally for a variety of sensations.
The Dear Abi Seal of Approval
Given that I started out by describing this sex toy as being literally better than recreational drugs I’m sure it won’t come as any surprise to most of you that it comes highly recommended by me. I’m giving it five out of five stars - something that I am far too British to ever usually commit to.
Like anything of this ilk, though, it doesn’t work for everyone. I discovered while doing a little research for this piece (never let it be said that I don’t work hard!) that Miss Ruby Reviews and the short-lived blog A Vamp’s Guide give reviews that are almost entirely contradictory, for example; all bodies are different, and sex toys are not a one-size-fits-all market. It’s also expensive; there’s no getting around that. It’s worth it - and it’s especially worth getting plenty of attachments - but this isn’t a quick or easy buy for most people.
If you’d like to pick one up, here are your best options at the time of writing in no fewer than three different currencies:
Eroscillator’s own website - €208.00
LoveHoney - £199.99
UberKinky - £189.99
SheVibe - $239.00
If you buy an Eroscillator, let us know what you think!
Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.
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