Catcalling: 6 of the Stupidest Lines Ever

Basically every woman in the entire world gets hassled on the street at least occasionally. Catcalling is always annoying and creepy, sure, but have you ever noticed how it’s occasionally batshit insane? Whoever these dudes are, they certainly don’t seem very committed to making much sense. I’ve picked out a few choice favourites from the experiences of myself and my friends.

Catcalling:

6 of the Stupidest Things Men Have Yelled At Me In The Street

1. "Yesterday's dinner" 

A friend of mine, while walking down the road on her way to a house party, had the slightly peculiar experience of being told by a random passer-by that he could “see yesterday’s dinner”. She was wearing what she describes as ‘a particularly short skirt’ at the time, but I’m sure it can’t have been short enough to display her bowels. She was also wearing tights and knickers, and I’m reasonably convinced she did not have a speculum up her arse.

It's pretty typical for well-endowed women to be harassed by catcalling, but this just... wha??? Is it vague concern? Is it just you've got nothing else to say?

2. Sore back?

To the bloke who once shouted down at me from a scaffolding rig the immortal phrase “Bet your back’s hurting from those!”: if that’s what you’re thinking about when you see a well- endowed woman with a penchant for low-cut tops, I don’t think you’re as into tits as you profess to be.

3. "Sesame Street"

I’m pretty sure the bloke who shouted “Hey Sesame Street!” at a friend of mine who is over 6’ tall (and then, when she looked perplexed, clarified that she was “Big Bird”) was really pleased with his own cleverness. It’s a shame he’s clearly a fucking imbecile.

Because wearing clothing has so many opportunities for catcalling....

4. "What do you expect going out in that?"

See that photo on the right there? That’s me. Earlier on that day some bloke on the street had made a lewd comment at me, and I had yelled back that he should just fuck off because - well, because despite my better judgement I almost always tell them to fuck off; I can’t resist. He said, and I shit you not, “What do you expect, going out in that?” Please note that I am so thoroughly covered up in that outfit that you can’t even see my neck. All I can imagine is that he was really into hand skin.

5. WTF?!

My Mum was in a supermarket quite recently when a smelly bloke who didn’t have any particularly obvious redeeming features came up behind her and hissed “I bet you’re not as bad as you look...”. I was livid when I heard this tale, because

a) what the fuck does that even mean anyway and

b) THAT’S MY MUM YOU GOBSHITE.

And the catcalling most flabbergasting line goes to....

6. Cockteasing non-cigarette giving slag

Someone outside a train station once called me a “cocktease slag” because I wouldn’t give him a cigarette. This struck me as particularly baffling because it hadn’t occurred to me that the giving of a cigarette outside of a train station could be interpreted as a sexual act, much less the fulfillment of the promise made by the shortish skirt I was wearing over completely opaque leggings at the time.

Got some of your own bewildering catcalling lines you want to share? Please do, we all need a good laugh once and awhile.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.