Stealthing: What You Need to Know About this Non-Consensual Sex Trend

Popcorn.dating asked Alex Hopkins to take a look at the allegedly new phenomenon of stealthing – a non-consensual sex act that seems to be the new sex trend. So what is stealthing? For gay men at least, it may come as no surprise.

 
Sexual acts don’t suddenly get invented – not even by the most adventurous and avant-garde of sexual practitioners. No matter how filthy and revolutionary you think you’re being, the chances are that over millions of years of history, another depraved individual has got off on the new tricks you’re teaching your nether regions. It’s how we describe behaviour that changes; the terms we use and how they enter the vernacular. 

After more years than I care to remember frequenting establishments of dubious distinction, I had yet to encounter the term “stealthing”. Had I finally encountered something that I had not seen or experienced on my somewhat extensive travels? A little research, to my great surprise, proved that in the case of stealthing – as in so few other things – I was something of a virgin…

What is stealthing?

 Stealthing is when a man secretly removes a condom while he is having sex with you. It is, according to the New York Post “the newest dangerous sex trend” – and one which both women and gay men are falling foul of – or at least now discussing openly. “Oh, that!” was my immediate reaction when I read the definition. Only later did I question my nonchalant response to a non-consensual act which can be classed as a type of sexual assault. 

Some years ago, during which time it is fair to say that I was mentioned in the fire instructions of all the main gentleman health spas (a.k.a. saunas) in London, I had what can perhaps be termed a Reverse-stealthing experience. Someone I was having sex with attempted to remove the condom from my, mmm, member, while I was entering a hole which, to be polite, resembled the Channel Tunnel during the holiday season. Despite my state of advanced inebriation – or perhaps because of it – my outrage knew no bounds. Let’s just say there was an immediate and complete cessation of relations. 

What compels a man to non-consensually remove a condom while he is having sex with his partner? Do men believe they have a right to spread their seed no matter the consequences? Does the arrogance of the male extend into some twisted, God-given sense of entitlement which thinks nothing of potentially inflicting physical and psychological harm on another human being? For some, it seems that the answer is yes – prompting calls to legislate against the act as a type of “gender violence” or “adjacent-rape.”

Gay stealthing

 In an article for Columbia Journal of Gender and Law, Alexandra Brodsky discusses her “deep dive into the online world of men who feel entitled to ‘bareback’ sex without their partner’s consent, regardless of that partner’s gender.” For gay men, however, I would argue that such a “deep dive” into the arena of bareback sex - which implies uncovering something which is somewhat hidden - would be entirely unnecessary. In gay male culture, bareback sex is the new normal. Merely a cursory glance at a porn site will tell you that much.

Back to my own experiences, thankfully in the past, down the Gentleman’s Health Spa. I lose count of the number of times I’ve had to ask someone to leave a sauna cubicle and go and fetch a condom. Many were reluctant to do so and simply shrugged dismissively and did not return. Some said that I was “boring” in insisting on condom use. And one, as I’ve just described, tried to remove the condom while I was having sex with him. And yet why was I not surprised? As I walked around, past open cubicle doors, I saw men laying on their fronts, arses like dump trucks in the air, waiting for anyone to fuck them - raw. Stealthing may be a relatively new phenomenon for heterosexuals, but gay men – always ready to set the trends – have been at it for years. 

An increase in a particular type of behaviour does not make it any more acceptable. A non-consensual sexual act such as Stealthing is not just “an awkward moment” or “bad sex”, as many victims may have dismissed it; it’s an outright violation which can result in severe and irreparable harm. We have a responsibility to challenge those who attempt to engage in such an act. A duty to question a gay male sexual culture which appears to embolden men to behave with such a heinous lack of respect for the welfare of others. How sad it is – in an age when we talk so readily of gay “equality” and “respectability” - that we should be in such a position.