Do You Have to Be Wired for Casual Sex?

Finding casual sex can be easy, but casual hookups aren’t for everyone. Popcorn.dating asked writer Kayla Lords to share her thoughts and experiences on managing casual relationships and setting expectations.

A few months after I met my partner, when I was still trying to convince myself I could have casual sex, a sexy colleague invited me to his hotel room. We were both attending a boring national conference and got friendly during a meeting. That night we danced in a dark nightclub together, grinding against each other in a way that made others stop and stare. I wanted him. He wanted me - at least at that moment. My entire body ached for him.

Sure, a big part of me was already in love with the man who would eventually become my dominant and lover - even if my brain refused to admit it. But for all my fantasies about casual hookups, no strings fun and one night stands, when finally offered the chance, I said no - although my clit was practically screaming at me to follow him and offer myself like a feral cat in heat.

Questions I ask myself when I can’t sleep at night: Do you have to be wired for casual relationships? And if they’re casual, are they really “relationships?” How do you have a casual relationship? I still don’t have all the answers, but I’m getting there.
 

Our Sexual Wiring Probably Plays a Part

Our sexual wiring certainly plays a role in who we want to fuck, of course. Certain sexual identities barely have to be mentioned, but I’ll do it anyway. You can be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, heteroflexible, or queer (if you consider queer your sexual identity, not everyone does). But did you know you can also be demisexual, pansexual, sapiosexual, or asexual?

Demisexual: You feel sexual attraction once you feel an emotional or romantic attraction or attachment.

Pansexual: You feel attraction of all types (sexual, emotional, romantic) for all or most people regardless of sex or gender identity.

Asexual: You don’t feel sexual attraction in general. You don’t dislike or hate sex; you’d just rather not.

Sapiosexual: Your sexual attraction for someone is based primarily on intelligence (presumably their intelligence, not yours - although I have wondered at my stupid romantic choices in the past).

Technically you could be a combination of two or more. I’m primarily demisexual and sapiosexual. I’m much more willing to have sex with someone that I have an emotional attachment to and that I also find intelligent.

My offer of a possibly delicious one night stand wasn’t a relationship, casual or otherwise and I was clearly sexually attracted to him. So I keep telling myself that friends with benefits, a fuck buddy, or a casual hookup in my newly (we’re still working out the details) open relationship is possible.

How will that work? Based on observation, friends who’ve figured it out, and my view on relationships in general, I have some ideas.


'Come over some time to spank my ass give me a hug and then order a pizza'
 

Set Expectations

In any relationship between people - sexual or not, it’s always important to set expectations. Things may change over time, but if you don’t have a common goal or purpose, it often falls apart early on. “I just want to hang out, drink coffee, and fuck, but not always in that order.” That sounds like a realistic expectation to share.

Maybe it’s kinkier. “Come over some time to spank my ass, give me a hug, and then order pizza.” I could be down with that kind of casual sex. What you want to avoid is thinking that this is a casual thing, and the other making wedding plans. Or at least the other person wanting you to meet their family at the holidays because they think it’s getting “serious.”
 

Communicate

You’d think this would fall under “setting expectations” and obviously it does. But you don’t set the rules and then never speak again. No strings fucking is nice, but you have to be able to speak in complete sentences every once in awhile.

Maybe you’re developing feelings. Maybe you want a different flavor of sex. Maybe you wanted pizza before sex. Say something. Give this person a chance to respond, run like hell, or fuck you even better - whichever works for them. The idea of being casual is that you can leave when you need to or get something that you want without the commitment. But it doesn’t mean you never have a conversation again.
 

Be Honest

I have been on the receiving end of someone who wanted more than I did. We weren’t fucking - remember, I’m not sure I’m wired that way. But he wished we were. I knew he did, and I considered it. I couldn’t go farther than few sloppy, wet kisses and dry humping through our jeans. I didn’t even come.

The hardest thing I did was tell him it wasn’t going to happen. He was so eager which was flattering, but I didn’t even want to flirt with him anymore casually. It killed the friendship we’d had. Although it occurred to me later, he was my “friend” because he thought he’d get to fuck me eventually. Your honesty may expose the other person’s true feelings.

I still think I can be casual with someone, fucking them when it’s right for both of us, not worrying about it the rest of the time. But based on how I know I’m wired for sexual attraction, I don’t think it’ll be all that easy.