Do you like it rough? Like really rough? Good. So do we, sometimes. There's nothing wrong with rough sex and it can be really hot, as long as everything is consensual. Find out why...
Why rough sex with consent isn’t abuse
The first time I dared to ask for something during sex (which isn't something that comes naturally to me), I’d been married for several years. Our sex life was meh and even though every voice in my head screamed, “This is not the person to say this to!”, I did it anyway.
“Spank me! Hurt me! Fuck me harder!”
One time, he tried to smack my ass and pull my hair for about three seconds, but the moment was over. I’m not sure a boner has ever shriveled faster. I felt him emotionally withdraw just before he pulled out, talk about awkward. He apologized. So did I. He told me he couldn’t do those things to me for one reason.
“It feels like abuse. I can’t hit you. You’re my wife!”
After this, I dropped it, and we never tried rough sex again. Fast forward several years later, I’m divorced and in a relationship that’s about as kinky as I can get it. Rough sex with pinched nipples, spanked asses, smacked pussies, and all the hair pulling and choking I can stand is almost vanilla for us. That’s just how we have sex.
But when the conversation rolls around to sex among my non-kinky friends, the last thing I can talk about is how rough I like it. “Ugh! How can you like being abused like that?” To anyone who equates rough sex with abuse, here’s what you need to know.
Consent is EVERYTHING
A touch can be gentle, but if it’s not consensual, it’s still wrong. The rough, kinky, painful sex that some of us enjoy is not abuse, as long as we want it to happen to us. I’m aware there are people (of all genders) who “allow” things to happen to them because they’re afraid or unsure of what to do - this isn’t the same thing.
When two (or more) people get naked together and start fucking like crazy, if they’re both enthusiastic about how much they like a good smack on the ass or (in my case) across the face, that’s a consensual act. You don’t have to want it for yourself for it to be true for other people.
Screaming out, “Hurt me! Harder! More!” is a clear sign of consent to keep going. Maybe it’s vicious fucking. Maybe it’s a hand or hairbrush landing on your butt. Maybe it’s using your partner’s hair as a set of reins and riding them all night long. Everyone’s definition of “rough” is a little different. What matters is that both of you want it and enjoy it.
Liking it rough doesn’t make us damaged
I’m openly kinky, and in a BDSM relationship with a man I call “Daddy”, so I get invasive questions from suspicious people - a lot. The one I both hate and love is: "What happened to you when you were a kid to make you this way?”
Well, surprisingly, not everyone who likes it rough, painful and (dare I say), violent in bed has been abused. As a kid, I was spoiled, and while I was spanked a few times in my life, it wasn’t something I enjoyed. When I was married, I was in control of our relationship and the moment he acted violently in a non-consensual way; I threw him out. But that’s my story.
Some people who have experienced abuse (either as a child or in previous relationships), find they enjoy rough sex - and others don’t. We’re all individuals, and to assume that we seek out the rough stuff to somehow relive an abusive episode in our lives is not only insulting to people who have suffered abuse, but it's also comical.
Sexual violence is a very real thing, especially against women. Anyone who violates a person’s consent, as well as their body and mind, deserves to face the full wrath of the law. However, those of us who enjoy what might appear to you to be sexual violence are different in one simple way - we’ve consented to it first.
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow Kayla via her website or Twitter @Kaylalords.
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