Exploring sexuality can be a scary thing, especially for men. Asking for things labeled as 'homosexual' is difficult. Listening and acceptance are key.
Are you a man that feels safe and confident asking for what he wants sexually? How about if those things aren’t vanilla? What if they move beyond traditional intercourse and leap into areas like butt plugs, pegging, or a finger in your anus?
In a time when women are being supported more and more with exploring sexuality, I find it hugely problematic that so many men are still afraid to speak up about what they want and need. If it’s lots of traditional sex, sure fine… many have no problem sharing that. But there are things that—like women—men have been taught aren’t acceptable.
Female empowerment is only half the battle. Men need this empowerment too. There may be areas where men have it, but too often I’ve had a man confess to me that he really wanted to be pegged or explore having a finger in his anus, but he was too afraid someone would say that made him gay. None of these men had an issue with gayness except that they weren’t into men. So desiring things that involved the anus made them feel wrong and ashamed. Like they didn’t know who they were.
Shaming anyone for exploring sexuality isn’t okay
Part of this issue comes with gender labeling. When we label something as feminine or masculine, or ‘only for men into men’, then we lose out on a huge area of fantastic sex. Empowering and powerful sex.
Many of the men I know have enjoyed some sort of anal penetration. Not all, but the percentage is much higher than one might suspect. And, most are heterosexual.
Asking for what you want doesn’t need to be difficult. I think we make it so by worrying how someone will take our request no matter what that request is. The bottom line is that if we want to be sexually satisfied and happy, we have to be honest with ourselves and others on what our wants and needs are. I feel it’s all in the approach we take.
As with anything new, asking can be scary and intimidating. What if that person makes an assumption? But the reality is that most won’t make any assumptions other than, “Hey, my partner wants to try xyz.” One way to start a dialogue is to sit down with your partner and ask for an open conversation about sex. With questions like, “Is there anything you’d like to explore or try?” Then list off examples of something that partner may enjoy. If you are open and engaging with what the other person would like to try too, chances are your partner will be that much more open when it comes to your turn to share.
No matter where the oppression comes from or who it’s aimed at, we all deserve to be able to speak up and have our needs met without being shamed for our desires. To move beyond old patterns of oppressive nonsense, we must speak up and be bold. Unless your partner has a history of belittle and shaming you, most likely they won’t start now. So be brave and share your innermost desires. Playing those out usually makes for the strongest orgasms!
Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. Follow her at siennasaintcyr.wordpress.com or on Twitter @siennasaintcyr.
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