Communicate, seduce, and listen
Consent. The conversation about what consent is, what it means, and how you know you've achieved it seems to be popping up in more and more places. For those who still seem confused, there's even an explanation using tea. It's gloriously simple and powerful. Hopefully, the people who really need to have consent explained to them in such basic terms will see it, internalize the message, and treat sex like they treat their tea.
But what about those of us who consider ourselves pretty open about sex? We know yes from no, and none of us would have sex with an unconscious person – unless it was some negotiated and agreed upon fetish or kink (and since everything's a kink, it probably happens). After the basic yes vs. no concept, it's time to consider enthusiastic consent.
Pro tip: everyone should wait for enthusiastic consent, but since we have to tell people not to have sex with someone after they've passed out, this might be a more advanced level conversation.
Informed consent is sexy
I'm a kinky girl living in a vanilla world. As a 24/7 submissive living with her Daddy Dom, we follow the hallmarks of the BDSM lifestyle – communication, safety, and consent in all things we do. Which means before we do anything new, we talk about it. A lot. What does that look like?
Before the first time using a new sex toy – flogger, cane, XXL vibrating dildo – we discuss it. He tries out anything meant to create a sensation (think pain) on himself. Once he's satisfied that he knows how to use the toy and what it feels like, it's my turn. No, he doesn't bend me over and beat my ass. He may tap my arm, leg, and yes, sometimes my butt. But it's a light tap. I react, tell him how it made me feel, and then let him know if I'd like to try that again some time.
Some will say that going into the details of your sexy fun takes the heat out of it. Not at all. Once all parties know what to expect – at least to a certain degree, and they're comfortable with what's going to happen, you can relax and enjoy the moment. Any mood-killing surprises will happen by accident (you know, like having your leg cramp right in the middle of passionate, rough fucking – true story).
Working for enthusiastic consent
Not everyone is going to be part of a power exchange dynamic where consent is implied based on previous negotiations and is revoked using a safeword. You may have to seduce mind and body for a while before you get a resounding, “Hell, yeah, fuck me!” from a partner. For the record, even those who go for kinky relationships still need to have our consent won each and every time.
It doesn't matter if you're the top, bottom, or on completely equal footing. You have to work for enthusiastic consent. Walking up to a random person and asking, “Wanna fuck?” doesn't count, even if they do say yes. Seduce. Find out what turns your partner on. Try all your moves – the good ones and the goofy ones. Earn the enthusiastic, excited, open-for-anything consent of your partner.
When you're done, and you're both naked (or at least the important parts are), keep working for it. Touch your partner in a way that makes her scream in pleasure and pull your hair. Kiss him in such a way that his toes curl and he does that sexy moan you like. Just because you get to have sexy fun times after that first “yes” doesn't mean you get to stop working for it. Keep your partner moaning, screaming, or whimpering in pleasure.
No, stop, or safeword – when consent is taken away
For kinksters like me, a safeword is the go-to signal to cease and desist. If you never discussed a safeword, then “No!” and “Stop!” are non-negotiable signals for everything to stop immediately. Don't pretend you don't know what's happening or what your partner is saying. Respect the signal that something isn't right.
You may be able to pick back up again once you figure out the problem – leg cramp, fear, a trigger. But you'll probably never earn enthusiastic consent again if you ignore your partner once they pull back and withdraw their consent. Ignoring a safeword or some version of “stop” turns you from lover into rapist within seconds. Here's some advice from me to you: don't be a rapist.
Rejection is never fun. But moving forward without enthusiastic consent is criminal. Working hard and earning consent from a willing and excited partner should be the goal of anyone looking for a sexy good time. Talking about what you want to do to each other can be as sexy as getting naked – and it definitely helps make sure everyone is on the same page and willing to get down and dirty.
© francovolpato / Dollar Photo Club
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