When is OK to fake an orgasm? As a self-confessed slut (in the Dossie Easton sense, at any rate), you might think I was having eighteen orgasms a day and have trained myself into being the kind of woman who can come from having her earlobes stared at intently enough. The truth is quite different, though: until about three years ago I believed myself to have what they call ‘primary anorgasmia’, and while I can just about come now it’s not regular, reliable or straightforward. As you can imagine, this has something of an effect on my sex life - and in ways you wouldn’t necessarily anticipate.
When is it OK to fake an orgasm? Sometimes faking it actually is the right thing to do
Picture the scene: I’m having some kind of impromptu one night stand, and the person I’m with has been doing the same thing for a while, and it’s lovely and all but actually they’ve been going at it for a bit too long and I’m not getting a whole lot out of it and there are far more mutually beneficial things we could be up to instead. What’s a girl to do in such a situation? Suddenly coming out with “by the way, I don’t come” is awkward and weird and can lead to hurt feelings; trying to guide the situation elsewhere doesn’t always work out. If I think I might see them again it might be worth a bit of embarrassment - but otherwise, it’s a hell of a lot easier just to fake an orgasm. Everyone’s happy, then, and we can all move joyfully on with our lives.
Explaining primary anorgasmia to someone for the first time is super awkward
The thing about that tactic, though, is that it’s not really sensible more than once. If I’m going to have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, I want them to know the truth for both of our sakes - but how the hell do you do that, especially early on with someone you don’t know well yet? Even figuring out how to bring it up is weird. I always spend a lot time, during those conversations, trying to reiterate over and over how I still have a great time. It’s weird and awkward and I don’t like doing it.
It’s a good dickhead detector in a prospective partner
People’s reactions to it are pretty telling, though. One of the most common is “oh, the people you’re sleeping with just aren’t doing it right” - a phrase calculated to make me stop fancying you faster than anything bar joining the Conservative Party. I’ve also had multiple instances of “so why do you even enjoy sex, then?”, which always makes me wonder if they’re doing it right.
Women are almost always much less phased by it than men
There are lots of people of all kinds of genders who have reacted to this very reasonably - but I have never had a bad reaction from a woman. I’m not quite sure why this is; I think it’s because, on average, many women find it harder to reach climax than many men do - and are as a result less likely to think of it as an integral and essential part of getting laid.
The way other people talk about sex is sometimes alien to me
I know a few people who say that it doesn’t count as sex if they don’t come, and many more who say that they can’t imagine being particularly interested in sex if they never came during it. I’ve always felt that this was a bit limiting - I’ve had a lot of incredible sex, and my orgasms were entirely out of the question during the vast majority of it. I’ve always been preoccupied with the cerebral side of sex over the physical, in a way; the kink I’m most interested in is all very psychological, and I’m happiest with a dom who talks almost constantly.
‘Edging’ is totally, utterly pointless and irritating
One of the major stalwarts of kink for a lot of people is being taken right to the edge and not crashing over it till permission has been given. Even now, this isn’t something that works for me - I love being given permission or being in a situation where it could be withheld, right enough, but I don’t have an “edge”. If I try and do that, it’s simply not going to happen at all. I get one shot, I’m afraid, and if I blow that...
It actually makes my sex drive higher, not lower
None of this is to say that I am dead from the waist down or whatever. My sex drive seems to be much higher than average, and I’m pretty sure not coming much has something to do with that - sex doesn’t really have an end point for me, and I’m always ready to start again pretty damn soon.
Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.
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