On lube and shame

Every time I teach a sex ed class I spend time talking about the importance of lube. Sometimes I worry that the information I’m sharing is too basic, that everyone knows this stuff already. But it’s always new to at least one person in the class. I know this from the questions I get asked and from the feedback people send in afterwords.

And then sometimes people like Ronda Rousey make the news saying lube is for lazy people, and you can hear the cry of thousands of sex educators, like a disturbance in the force.

Whenever I think people already know everything there is to know about sex, something like this happens. And I’m reminded that we really don’t know much at all. We’re not taught how to have sex — let alone good sex — and our culture is so rife with shame and misinformation that many people don’t get the guidance and knowledge they need.

Many moons ago, when I was first figuring out masturbation, my intuition told me it would be better if it were more slippery. Although I wouldn’t suggest my improvised solution of moisturizer, the instinct was a good one.

Regardless of gender or anatomy, many people don’t self lubricate at all, or enough for comfortable penetration. And some anatomy never self lubricates. If you’re doing anal play, lube is essential to doing it safely. If you’re giving a hand-job to a bio-penis, most people find it a lot more comfortable with lube.



People with vaginas may find that the amount of lubrication they produce varies by time of the month, mood, and hydration. For some it becomes essential after child birth. For most, it becomes essential after menopause. For people who are transgender, or taking hormones, lube may be essential.

Ronda’s comments assume a very narrow view of sexuality — one that marginalizes many folks who are just as deserving of pleasurable sex as she is.

Lube is a tool. We are tool using primates. There’s no more shame in using lube than there is in using a hammer. So do what makes you feel good. And don’t let anyone shame you for it. Our bodies were built for pleasure. Savor it.

Stella Harris is an author, intimacy educator, and sex coach who helps people build their sexual confidence and explore their sexuality safely and free of shame. You can learn more about Stella or schedule a free consultation on her website, www.stellaharris.net or follow her on Twitter @stellaerotica

© mariesacha / Dollar Photo Club and Ed & Eddie / Flickr