Masturbation isn't cheating

Masturbation is a lot of things - good for your health, a stress reliever, an excellent way to learn your body and a steamy hot way to connect with yourself and your partner. Here’s what it’s not - cheating. That may seem obvious to some of us, especially if you’ve been wanking away quite happily for years, but unfortunately not everyone will see it that way.

So, masturbation isn't cheating. First, a confession…

When I was still married (which feels like eons ago), I didn’t want to have sex with my husband at all. But I also hated it when he masturbated. I thought, for the longest time, I didn’t like that he masturbated in the bed while I was trying to sleep - and if you’ve ever been woken by the rhythmic movement of your bed that you’re not a part of, it is a little annoying.

When I told him to take it to the bathroom, I found I didn’t like that either. I didn’t want him having that much sex with me, but I didn’t want him thinking about other women. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have realized our relationship was in trouble much sooner.

Yes, I’ve matured enough to know how wrong that is, but those feelings come very specific places.

Why do some people think masturbation is like cheating? Fear, anger, and lack of trust

For some people - a younger, less wise version of myself included - there’s a misplaced fear that if your partner is masturbating, they don’t need or want you sexually. You’re not the one they desire, and they can take care of their own needs.

Of course, some will worry about who their partner is using as a fantasy. Is it you? Is it a porn star? Is it that cute little barista they see every morning? As long as they’re thinking of you, you might be okay with it. But many people who are insecure in their relationship or don’t have a healthy understanding of masturbation and sexuality can’t handle the idea of someone else playing a part in their partner’s fantasy.

To that I say this - have you ever fantasized about someone else? It could be someone you knew or a movie star, doesn’t matter. Imagining a person in your mind isn’t the same as leaving a committed relationship, developing a connection with that other person, leaving your partner, or lying to them. If you don’t consider yourself cheating when you imagine someone else, the same is true for your partner.

Masturbation fulfills a legitimate need

Sometimes you can’t (or don’t want to) have sex because one of you is sick, one of you is on their period - and you’re not into period sex, one of you has a herpes outbreak (yes, it happens). Either way, sex is taken off the table for a while. Not being able to have sex doesn’t automatically stop sexual urges.

If given the choice between knowing my partner is masturbating or knowing they’re out looking for another partner to fuck behind my back, I’ll take masturbation any day. You can’t try to regulate their thoughts and you shouldn’t want to. Thoughts aren’t actions. Fantasize about Stoya all you want. I’m thinking about Thor, Captain America, and possibly IronMan - all at the same time. Come on, how hot would that be?

When masturbation becomes a problem

It is possible to masturbate too much. It’s rare, but it’s always something to consider. If you’d rather masturbate than have sex with your partner or if masturbation interferes with your sleep, routine, work, and other daily activities, you’re probably doing it too much. It’s time to take a good hard look at what’s going on in your relationship and life.

Enjoy masturbation for what it is - a quick and easy way to get a little sexual relief. You can play with toys and each other. You can live in a fantasy world of three Angelina Jolies and five Brad Pitts if you want - or fantasize about that cute little barista. But remember, it’s not cheating, and it’s only unhealthy when it interferes with your life or you use it as a way to avoid serious issues in your relationship. If that’s not you, I say wank away!

And if you’re the one accusing your partner of cheating, let me remind you that you don’t own your partner’s sexual desires (unless you’re kinky like that) and whatever they’re thinking poses no threat to your relationship. If you’re scared you can lose your partner to masturbation, you both need to have some serious conversations about your relationship. The answer isn’t to make them stop masturbating.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.

© vladimirfloyd / Dollar Photo Club und Maria Georgieva via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 licenz