Good Communication: Talk often and talk dirty

We are so bad at communication - and it’s especially hard for people to do things like negotiate relationship structures, let others know our needs and boundaries, and especially when it comes to talking about sex.

Culturally, in the US at least, we’ve been taught that it’s impolite or wrong to talk about sexuality. Yet, it’s everywhere around us in media, advertisements, and our interactions with other people, but it’s not something we feel comfortable addressing directly, instead relying on jokes and innuendo when we try to talk about it. When it comes to sex and relationships, we often go off of narratives that we’ve been taught for how things go - they’re on an escalator where we step on at the bottom and step off at the top, with no work in between and a set progression.

An example of the escalator at work in sexuality is that we presume flirting leads to physical affection leads to kissing leads to making out and feeling up leads to penetrative intercourse, whether over the short term or more spread out. This is not the case for everyone for a variety of reasons, including that they may want to be affectionate with someone but not romantic or sexual, that there are people who don’t want to be affectionate but do want to be sexual, etc. This leads to confusion, frustration, and ultimately strife between people who are interacting with one another in this way. When we have expectations but don’t communicate our needs and desires with one another, there isn’t any other possible outcome.

Communication is sexy

Pre-negotiation, negotiation during, and communication after sexual interactions are useful, but many people see it as a tiresome and un-sexy addition - but let me tell you, communication can be and is sexy.

Dirty talking is a form of communication - wherein you express what turns you on, what you want to do with and to your partner, and explore what you’re both interested in. With the right intention, dirty talking - whether sexting, over the phone, or whispering in the ear of someone while you’re out doing something about what you want to do later - can be a really great way to state some of your interests, build up excitement, and feel out what your partner or partners is interested in doing with you.

While you’re dirty talking, you can amp up the excitement and quietly reveal some of the kinkier things you’re interested in - you don’t want to overwhelm your partner or partners so do the reveal slowly, as if you were a burlesque performer. As you establish a connection with someone, you can reveal more about yourself, like peeling away layers and presenting them to the person or people you’re playing with like little naughty gifts. This is also a good way to show you trust someone and feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable with them.

Communication does not necessarily mean telling someone all of the things all at once - that can be pretty overwhelming! It’s best to start out with boundaries or hard limits - things they cannot and should not do with or to you for whatever reason. Things that will make you uncomfortable, panicked, or just kill the mood. Then, depending on how comfortable you are with the person - some people you can feel more safe revealing kinky secrets to, like someone who you met at a local kink event, than others - you determine when and how fast to reveal your interests and deep dark kinky secrets.

Talk about what you like

There is also something to be said for communicating about sexual interests - when you’ve determined you are interested in doing things with someone - before the actual event. It’s important to discuss things like how current your STI testing is and what safer sex barriers you use, whether or not you’re on birth control, any trauma you’ve experienced that might be triggered, and whether or not you have any health concerns or trauma that someone you were having fun with would need to know about.

Again, you don’t need to disclose everything to a potential partner, but you should give people enough information when it’s regarding their safety and yours. It’s important to do this before so there are no surprises during, and it can also act as a kind of foreplay - negotiating your interests as well as making someone aware of your rules and hard limits is part of the preparation for a good time, and can also definitely involve some dirty talking.

Communicate well, from the start

Communication up front is also really important - if we don’t communicate from the get-go, it can be hard to start. That doesn’t mean that if you’re in a relationship or sexually intimate with someone you don’t communicate well with currently, it’s not possible to - but it will be harder than starting with it right from the start. Communication is something we learn, and something we can learn together - it’s as simple as letting your friends, play partners, and partners know that you want to communicate, and you know it will take some work.

Communication is not easy, and it doesn’t fix everything - but it does make our relationships and our sex more fulfilling. My challenge to you is to try communicating with your partners and even yourself just a little bit every day. It gets easier with time, and it’s really exciting when you notice progress.

Caitlin is a writer, sex educator, consultant, and product reviewer who focuses primarily on issues of sex toy and accessory safety, pleasure, sexuality, gender, and more. You can learn more, or ask any questions, at their website- www.sex-ational.com.

© patronestaff / Dollar Photo Club and Timothy Brown via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license