Goal-Oriented Sex: It's not all about the orgasm

When it comes to how people think about sex, we are constantly thinking about goals: it never seems like we’re doing things “right” or “enough” because there’s always something missing. Either it’s G, P or insert letter of the alphabet here-spot orgasms, squirting, even Penis-in-Vagina sex, there seems to be a hierarchy of how to experience sex “correctly”.

Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having goals; I’m a very goal oriented person, myself! I like to try new things and I especially like to try new things when it comes to sex. But one thing I’ve definitely noticed in myself and others is an unhealthy obsession with what are considered the “real” and “ideal” ways to experience sex. These obsessions leave us feeling unfulfilled or broken if we don’t achieve them in the way we deem “correct,” and as with most obsessions, these goals are very abstract and we may not feel like we have achieved them, even if we have, or may not feel satisfaction when we do.

These concepts can really trip people up and easily make us feel like we’re somehow doing sex wrong, which can cause a lot of shame and doubt. Goals are ok - deeply ingrained and rigid expectations are not.

The evidence of this sort of thinking is pretty evident even early on in our sexual experiences - we’re sold a certain idea of what sex is and how it works, from whose involved to what it feels like. This is why many teens who haven’t received much or any sex education often engage in everything from anal to oral sex - because it’s not the “real” thing, real in this situation meaning PIV intercourse.

From there, something I personally experienced was a confusion at what sex felt like at first. I’ve learned with time that I do not often experience a felt orgasm during penetration - many people with vulvas don’t. That didn’t really take away from the experience from me, but I still had all of these voices clamoring in my head to say that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t enjoying it in the way I thought I should, that I wasn’t actually “into” my first sexual partners because I didn’t experience an orgasmic response. My time in adult retail has shown me that many people, especially women, suffer from these same doubts and misgivings, that they are somehow not doing sex “right”.

The other problem is that many people don’t even like how orgasm feels. We all experience pleasure and orgasm differently, and some people just don’t like the sensation for any number of reasons. The same goes for g spot stimulation, which is tricky and doesn’t result in pleasure for everyone. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying, as g spot stimulation can take some training to get used to, or it’s not worth getting know how your body experiences pleasure - but it is something people should know more about before they get wrapped up in feeling like they’re sexually unaccomplished because it’s not something they experience, or like.

What it comes down to, most primarily, is that people are sold a story about how sex is experienced - but we’re all individuals and experience sex and pleasure differently. We aren’t encouraged to explore and learn how to understand and work with our bodies on an individual level, and we aren’t given the basic tools (an understanding of pleasure anatomy, pleasure response, etc) to do so. Learning about how our bodies function and exploring what feels good for us personally should be the priority - obsessing over end-goals and orgasm counts will do nothing but turn us off in the long run, or cause unnecessary strife in our relationships.

One person may feel the most pleasure from someone tickling their foot, another might get the most out of a scenario that is entirely in their head. Sex is beautiful and individualistic, and sticking to a straight narrative with one start point and one end point for every participant is honestly just boring.

Caitlin is a writer, sex educator, consultant, and product reviewer who focuses primarily on issues of sex toy and accessory safety, pleasure, sexuality, gender, and more. You can learn more, or ask any questions, at their website- www.sex-ational.com.

© oneinchpunch / Dollar Photo Club and WillVision via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license