Four common misconceptions about orgasms

There are a lot of ideas people have about orgasms. We’re constantly talking about them, whether with our friends, partners, or nestled in the pages of the latest women’s magazine, promising to demystify them for you. Generally, the idea is that we want orgasms but don’t know how to get them.

Why?

Here are some commonly held misconceptions about orgasm I want you to think about:

You don’t need to want to orgasm

Seriously. Media portrays orgasm as something we should all want “of course,” you say, “doesn’t everyone want to orgasm?” This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Orgasms aren’t always pleasant, they may not always feel how we think of as good. Orgasms can be painful, uncomfortable, and boring – if you’re not used to the sensation, it can be confusing and your body might not know what to do with it. On top of that, not everyone is interested in orgasm. Some people are indifferent to genital sexual contact, or sexuality at all – generally, we know these people as asexual.

Orgasm is contextual, and sometimes your body has the physical reaction commonly thought of as orgasm – rhythmic, unconscious clenching and unclenching of the pelvic floor muscles – and you don’t register it pleasurably, sometimes not even at all. This is something I experienced for a long time; having been taught thatorgasm was an explosive, mind altering experience – I thought that I was broken. Which brings me to my next point:

Orgasm doesn’t always feel like we’re lead to think they should

As I said above, orgasm is contextual; for some people, it’s mental, some experience orgasms across their entire body or only in one spot. Sometimes orgasms don’t feel good at all, and sometimes they don’t really feel like anything. There’s a pervasive social construct regarding what an orgasm feels like; it’s bells ringing, fireworks, explosive toe-curling pleasure. The reason this is a problem is because people who don’t experience orgasm in that way – since there are so many ways to experience it, and it can be different every time you experience it – it leaves people feeling broken. I promise, if you don’t feel orgasm that way? You’re not broken. In fact, you’re exceedingly ‘normal’ in the sense that a lot of other people don’t experience orgasm that way.

Penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex is not the only way to get off

Although most people have realized this by now – people who are not in cisgendered, heterosexual relationships have orgasms too – it’s still a pretty common myth. People often feel like they’re doing something wrong if they can’t experience orgasm through penetration, but can through any variety of other ways. It’s not so much that we think we can’t do it other ways, but that we should prioritize penetrative, cis/het intercourse as the correct way to do things. I don’t think I need to explain why that’s false.

People fake orgasms all the time – because they think there’s a certain way to do it

Or because they don’t like to orgasm, or orgasm takes a long time and they don’t feel like having sex for that long. But a lot of the time, people seem to start out ‘faking’ because they have a very specific idea about what an orgasm should look and sound like, and that doesn’t match up with a lot of people’s actual reality. As my friend Artemisia says in her recent blogpost about her experience with faking it (which you should read), “Because of my desire to experience what I deduced was “normal” sex, most of my early sexual memories were of faked orgasms: fantasizing about media idealized, penis in vagina sex that leads to mind-blowing dual orgasms in a matter of minutes [and afterwards there is confetti and glitter and fireworks]. I faked these idealized orgasms as foreplay, then had hand cramping, head sweating, furious clit rubbing, real orgasms.”

Additionally, people fake orgasms because they want their sexual partner to feel like they’ve given them pleasure – orgasm has become a kind of validation that “yes, it was good!” when sexual pleasure is so much more than that. You don’t have to orgasm for it to feel good. I’ve even known more than one person to actively hate orgasming, or really enjoy orgasm denial. Pleasure happens a lot of different ways, and while it’s very hard to unlearn media and social conditioning to think otherwise, that unlearning process is a valuable one.

For those who want to and don’t really experience orgasm, learning to let go of the expectation might also help bring you to a place where you can – feeling stress and pressure to perform can actually actively prevent you from relaxing enough to experience orgasm. Prioritizing knowledge about how your body works and communication with your sexual partners can bring you a lot farther than the fevered hunt for the orgasm ever will.

Caitlin is a writer, sex educator, consultant, and product reviewer who focuses primarily on issues of sex toy and accessory safety, pleasure, sexuality, gender, and more. You can learn more, or ask any questions, at their website- www.sex-ational.com.

© casfotoarda / Dollar Photo Club and Maria Georgieva / Flickr