10 Things to never write in your first message

Online dating etiquette: 

We all want to come across as charming, witty and amazing in bed. But when it comes to sending that vital opening message to someone, what the hell do we say? Will they even reply? Well, I may not know exactly what’ll have them queuing at your door, but I know the things that’ll have them running for the hills. So here are 10 things to never write in your first message… 
 

1. Wanna fuck?

Yes you’re sat in bed and you’re horny as fuck, but don’t message them and say ‘wanna come over?’ because 99% of the time, it’s going to be ignored. I was recently told I looked like the kind of girl that would like anal. I’m not totally sure what gave that impression, but I kindly didn’t reply.
 

2. Any of the following chat up lines

‘Did you sit in sugar? Because you’ve got a sweet ass.’

‘If I could, I’d take away all the chairs in the world so you’d have to sit on my face.’

‘How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.’

‘Did you ever realise that ‘screw’ rhymes with me and you?’

‘If I was a watermelon would you spit or swallow my seed?’

These will just not work. And why would they? If you wouldn’t say it in a nightclub then surely they should never, under any circumstances be written down somewhere and documented forever.
 

3. Anything that sounds a little too keen

So you read their profile and have decided it’s meant to be, you’ve got your suit picked out and are just waiting for the words I do. No no. Don’t be so keen, you’ll come across as desperate. ‘Oh you’re into art are you? I went to a museum once in high school.’ Or how about ‘you love going out too? Oh my god we are meant to be, I’m a student as well.’ Just quit it now, This is totally not working out for you.

4. Please tell me you’re the hot blonde one

They might have a group photo and you’re unsure which one they are, but things are just going to get awkward if you actually liked the minger in the background.

5. So, why are you on this site?

For the same reason as you dumb arse. Your first message should really not be a question as boring as this one. They might be looking for a cheeky flirt, a one night stand or just like ogling at hilarious profile pictures. But either way, you don’t need to ask them outright in order to start a conversation because it’s usually pretty obvious.

6. Sup/ how r u/ you ok?’

Oh my god, get a grip. If this is how you truly socialise with people for the first time then I might as well give up now. Your first message needs to be interesting, not the worst demonstration of English known to man.
 

7. I want your tits

Just stop it. You’re killing me here. Saying ‘I want your tits’ as your opening line is like asking them to come round and cook you dinner then suck you off. What did your last slave die of? Pervert.

8. I like your pic

Come on now, where do you really see this going? That’s like commenting on the shoes their wearing, the lamp in the background or the ring on their middle finger. Obviously you like their profile picture or you wouldn’t have started talking in the first place. So please be more imaginative with your opening line now.

9. I wish you lived closer

Okay then stalker. We all know most dating sites can help us find people within a specific distance, but now you’ve just reached a whole new level of crazy.

 

10. Tell me a bit about yourself

This is such an open question that most people get a bit awkward about answering it. Okay so they don’t want to be asked something as specific as ‘how many people have you slept with?’ but narrow it down a little please guys.