Sex columnist, photographer and sex blogger Molly Moore gives advice to a man who thinks he's too old to start a sexual relationship again after the loss of his wife.
Dear Molly
I have recently become a widower after 33 years of marriage. The last ten years of our marriage has been utterly sexless due to her poor health. However, now I find myself alone at 53 and thinking about dating and sex but it has been so long I feel like maybe no one is going to be interested in an old man who has not been laid for ten years. I know sex changes with age, I feel like I don't know what I like or what anyone else might want. Should I resign myself to a sexless life?
An Older Man
Dear An Older Man
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. It must have been a tough time for you, but I think it's healthy that your mind has now turned to thoughts of having another relationship. You do write about yourself as though you are old, but you're not. 53 is still young these days, and I have to wonder if maybe caring for your wife and her illness made you feel older than you are as you were not able to go out and do the things that someone of your age would typically do.
Explore your body
It's perfectly normal for you to have lost your confidence when it comes to sex. You have spent many years with the same partner and a long time not having sex at all. One of the things I would encourage you to do is to explore your body on your own and take some time to think about what turns you on and what you like when it comes to sex. Enjoy getting to know yourself again. Masturbation is not only good for your mental and physical health, but it is an excellent way to learn your preferences which will help you to feel more confident with any new partners.
Ageing does affect us sexually, but for most healthy men in their 50's physically, there is likely to very little difference. Erectile dysfunction can be an issue as men age, but you don't mention that, so I'm going to assume that is not a problem. However, if it is an issue for you, then please do go and see your doctor as there are treatments available.
Obviously as women age and go through menopause, this can bring about physical changes that can affect sex drive and reduce the amount of natural lubrication they produce, but there is a range of lube on the market now which can help. A woman's lack of wetness doesn't mean she isn't turned on; it just means her body needs a little help.
Put aside your doubts
As for why would anyone be interested in you? Well, I don't know you, but I am fairly sure that most women are far more interested in the type of person you are rather than the fact you have not had sex for a long time. I think the right person would enjoy exploring with you and not be in the least bit bothered you have not been sexually active with a partner for a long time.
You definitely should not resign yourself to a sexless life. You are still a relatively young man, and I think that you have been through a tough time which has left you understandably feeling unsure about the way forward. I think you should put aside your doubts about yourself and go out and see what life has to offer you. Good luck!
Molly x
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