Looking for some sex tips or relationship advice? Well, you're in good hands. Sex columnist, photographer and sex blogger Molly Moore responds to a question regarding whether or not it's okay to use sex toys while you're in a relationship.
Dear Molly
During a recent conversation with one of my friends, we started talking about sex toys. She told me that because she has a boyfriend she does not use them because 'he is enough'. She even went so far as to say that she had hidden all her sex toys away in a box so that he wouldn't find them.
I am not currently in a relationship, but even if I were, I would hate to think that it meant had to give up my sex toys. I have a couple of vibrators that I love to use and also a glass dildo that I adore. Is it weird that I would want to continue using these things if I had a boyfriend? I kind of hope that he would want to use sex toys with me as that seems like a sexy thing to share with someone. But now my friend has made me wonder if most men wouldn't be into that.
A Toy Girl
Dear Toy Girl,
The short answer to your question is there is absolutely nothing wrong with using a sex toy if you have a partner.
Sex toys are not a substitute boyfriend. They do not replace the touch of another person. They could never do that because sex toys are just an object. They are objects that can help us to experience pleasure whether that is on our own when masturbating or during partnered sex. The primary reason human beings have sex is for pleasure, and so anything that helps us to experience that is a good and healthy thing.
Splitting up over a sex toy?
No one has ever split up from their partner because their sex toy was better than them. That is unless their partner denies them the use of a sex toy because his ego is so fragile that he feels threatened by a toy. That might be a reason to split up with someone. Not because the sex toy is better, but because that man is a complete idiot when it comes to female sexual pleasure. It is a very patriarchal view of sex that stems from the idea that men are the key to female sexual pleasure.
Partnered sex can include sex toys
Really good partnered sex is never gifted to a woman by a man. It comes from sharing your body with someone who is just as invested in your pleasure as they are in their own. Any man who wants to remove sex toys from that experience is apparently far more interested in himself than in his partner's experience.
Discover the pleasures of sex toys together
It is a shame that your friend feels the way that she does. I do wonder if this is something she had been led to believe by her current or maybe a previous partner. If I were giving her advice, I would want to reassure her that her actions are not only unnecessary but also detrimental to her. I would encourage her to talk to her partner and try to get him interested in sharing those things with her. This way they can discover together how using a sex toy on a partner can be a very sexy and gratifying experience.
Don't let anyone try to take your sex toys away from you!
Expecting a partner to be open to you using sex toys to masturbate and to use them with you is the right way. I have an extensive collection of sex toys. Mainly dildos, but some vibrators too which I love using when I masturbate, and my partner loves using on me during partnered sex. The sex toys add an extra dimension to our sex life which we both enjoy. Finding a partner who is comfortable learning and sharing your body with you in that regard is essential. You have the right attitude so don't let anyone else tell you anything different or try to take your sex toys away from you. Any man who is threatened by a sex toy has some very worrying issues about his prowess. And also about his partner's sexual needs and desires, so is probably not the right man for you.
Molly x
What's your opinion on using sex toys while you're in a relationship? Would you feel threatened if you're partner wanted to use sex toys? Share your experience and advice on using sex toys in a relationship in the Popcorn.dating forum - for free!
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