Sex Tips | Is It Normal Fear Sex Out Of My Comfort Zone?

Sex columnist, photographer and sex blogger Molly Moore responds to a reader who's afraid to go outside their sexual comfort zone. How do you go about sexual experimentation and comfort zones with your partner?

Dear Molly
My partner and I have been experimenting sexually. We have had a lot of fun playing with restraints, impact play and nipple play. But what he really wants is to try some anal stuff, in particular, using butt plugs on me. He bought a set of different sized plugs to try out, but the whole idea freaks me out a bit. It's way out of my comfort zone, and I can't seem to get past that to giving it go. Is it normal to feel this way? Should I confront my fears and play outside my comfort zone or is it OK to say no?
Abit Scared


Dear Abit Scared
I am going to start with the most important thing. It is always OK to say no regardless of why you are saying no. No is always a valid response and should always be honoured. Any other response to no is absolutely not OK. If you don't want to do something or don't feel ready for it, then you should voice that to your partner. They need to really listen so that together you decide on the best way forward. No might not mean no forever, but that you need time to think and learn and have different experiences. But it also might mean precisely that, it is a no forever, and that is completely fine too. 

Sexual experimentation should be fun for both

It is great that you have been enjoying sexual experimentation with your partner. It sounds like you have had lots of fun and discovered new things about what you both enjoy. However, when we experiment, we find where our comfort zone is, and the things that we don't like as well. Finding out what our limits are is just as important as finding out new sexy stuff we enjoy. You should view that as a positive thing; learning about our bodies is healthy and good for us and our relationships. 
 

Understand the limits to the sexual experimentation with your partner

It is normal to be scared of new things that are outside your comfort zone, and that does not make you weird. We often have fears that seem ungrounded or to us even silly. Even though we might be able to understand that intellectually, it does not mean we can simply turn that fear off. It can actually be a very challenging thing to do depending on how deeply ingrained the fear is. Sometimes it helps if you can identify where the fear came from or what triggered it. That gives you something to rationalise and put into context, but often we don't know why we are scared. In that situation, the only option is to accept it and decide if maybe you're open to exploring aspects of it or not.
 

Sexual experimentation means taking it slow

In the case of anal play being outside your comfort zone, you could think about some gentle experimentation. That might help you discover if this is a boundary you want to explore or if it is a hard limit. For example, you could get your partner to use lube to massage the area around your anus. They should not try to penetrate you but just rub and stroke around the anus. You might also find it helpful to touch your clit or use a sex toy at the same time. If you find yourself enjoying that, then you can slowly continue venturing outside your comfort zone. Maybe the next time your partner could try just inserting the tip of their finger and so on. Experiment until you find the place where you are no longer comfortable. Perhaps you will discover that you have worked through your fears and enjoy anal play. 
 

Don't feel preassured into sexual experimentation

However, I cannot emphasize enough that if you do not feel ready for this, then you absolutely should express that. No one should be putting pressure on you do to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Exploring new things should be fun and exciting. And, yes, sometimes you might step outside your comfort zone and try something more challenging. Just remember that it is also OK to say you are not ready for something right now. There is never anything wrong with saying, no thank you. 

Molly x 
 

Have you ever been experimenting sexually and found yourself considering going way outside your comfort zone? What do you do if your partner wants to try something that's outside your comfort zone? Share your experiences from sexual experimentation in the Popcorn.dating forum for free.