Sex Tips | I Want Rough Sex But How Do I Say It?

Looking for sex tips or relationship advice? You've come to the right place! Sex columnist, photographer and sex blogger Molly Moore responds to a woman who struggles bringing up her desire for rough sex with new sex partners.

 

Dear Molly
I am not really into soft lovemaking, I prefer things to be a lot more physically intense than that. However, I have found it very difficult to tell partners that I like/want rough sex. I am not currently in a relationship, but I am dating. I would like to meet someone, but in the past when I have brought up the subject I have found that some men seem uncomfortable with my desires. How do I go about asking someone for rough sex?
Roughly Wanting

Dear Roughly Wanting,

Knowing what you desire when it comes to sex is truly a positive thing. Many people are confused about their needs and desire, but the fact that you have a good understanding of what you like means you're far more likely to be able to get it. However, the problem is not that you don't know what you want, but that you find communicating it to potential lovers difficult.
 


Open and honest communication

I think this can be a particular problem if you are looking for casual relationships or hookups. In those types of relationships, the opportunity to understand each other's desires is far more limited. The key to achieving that is open and honest communication, and starting off the first date with outlining your kink for rough sex could well be intimidating. Potentially for both of you, but especially for the other person.
 

How do you bring up wanting rough sex?

Conveying a desire for rough sex during sex with a casual encounter can be challenging. You need to be sensitive to the fact that it might not be a thing for the other person or that they are even turned off by the thought of rough sex. You have two options, either hinting or being open and direct. Open and direct will mean that if the person is into rough sex too, it could lead to a very positive meeting. If not, then you may well find the date ending fairly soon. Hinting is a more subtle way to go, but it is easier for the message to get lost. Meaning you don't get the rough sex you desire. However, before meeting up with someone, it might be possible to explore the ideas of rough sex through sexting. That way you will have laid the foundation of an idea in a partners mind before actually meeting up. The key is to judge each situation and person individually and go with what feels right to you in that moment. Just be prepared for things not always to pan out.
 

Rough sex - not as uncommon as you think 

Wanting rough sex is not an uncommon fetish. However, women are often shy about admitting to like it as society teaches us that women are soft, sensitive creatures who want gentle loving. As a result, many men are hugely intimidated by women who know their sexuality. And especially women who desire rough sex, which is not stereotypically 'feminine'. I suspect that this has been the reason for some of your experiences.
 


Find your community

You talk about wanting to find a partner/relationship. One thing I would suggest is maybe looking for someone on a kink and fetish website, like Fetish.com. People who are on there are likely to be far more open-minded to the idea of rough sex. I suspect you will find having these sort of conversations and talking to potential partners about this kind of thing much more natural. Not everyone is going to match your kink, but looking in such a community means you are more likely to find someone in tune with you.
 

Be confident about your desire for rough sex

However, the most crucial part in all this is for you to able feel confident in expressing your desires for rough sex. Just because you have encountered problems in the past, please don't stop having those kinds of relationship talks and being honest about your likes. Anything else will lead you into relationships that are likely to be sexually disappointing to you. Neither you nor your partner would be happy with that. Sharing your kinks with someone can be a daunting task, but it is worth it! Because that way you find a true rough sex kindred spirit.  

Molly x 

(*Always remember to practise safe sex especially if you are planning on having group sex with strangers.)


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