The three Cs of better sex: They’re not what you think...

Why being good In bed Is probably a myth



It’s the age-old question, overheard at shared hangover breakfasts and in post-date conversations with friends the world over: “yeah, but were they any good?” People spend a lot of time and effort worrying about whether their skills are up to scratch, but the more I think about it the more convinced I become that it’s a pretty meaningless statement. Having better sex, after all, isn’t a paint-by-numbers exercise: everyone has things that work for them and things that don’t, and everyone experiences things differently. What works for one person might be boring as hell (or actively unpleasant) for another; just because you can give one person the best blow-job of their life doesn’t mean the next will react the same way.



Circumstances, Chemistry and Connection


There seem to be three main things that result in really, really good sex, and for the sake of argument I’m calling them circumstances, chemistry and connection because - well, who doesn’t like alliteration, right?

Circumstances are often what make one night stands good. When you really get down to it, nobody’s likely to have the best sex of their life with a total stranger while they’re three quarts drunk - but those memories are great ones for a lot of people, because they’re often circumstantially excellent. The story about the time you left with the DJ and had to find your way home from their place at 7am in last night’s clothes is one you value having even if the actual sex was probably a bit routine. This goes double for fetish clubs and play parties, where a lot of the point of what you’re doing is the audience you’ve got and the environment you’re in not necessarily for better sex.

Chemistry is where the best sex starts, and it’s often responsible for the incredible firecracker sex people have with each other at the beginning of relationships. I’ve always been a bit dubious about the way we use the term. It seems imprecise and difficult to define, but it’s certainly the case that sometimes you click and sometimes you don’t. I’ve had some really terrible sex with partners who were probably great at sleeping with other people, just because something about the two of us together didn’t work out.

Connection takes a bit more time, but it’s worth the wait. If you keep an active and varied sex life going with the same person for an extended period, you find that you keep on and on figuring out new things about them - and in the best relationships, that means better sex is longer lived. There’s something pretty special about someone you’ve been sleeping with for years, actually; after a while you reach a point where you can read each other reflexively.



How to have better sex



I’m not trying to suggest that there are no hard skills (pun very much intentional) involved in having better sex; there’s still worth to honing your technique. I just think it’s worth bearing in mind that a lot of the time you’ll only be honing it to that person, and that every new partner or experience will require a whole new way of thinking about it. When you look at it that way, it’s really one of the best things about exploring your sexuality with a variety of people - you get to learn from each other and figure out new things, and try stuff that other people aren’t as likely to be into.

The real key to getting better at this seems to be confidence. Having the confidence to try something out without worrying too much about the humiliation of it not working is difficult, but it’s also worthwhile - and knowing that it’s not the end of the world when an encounter isn’t in your lifetime top ten without letting it knock your confidence to try again is a big help, too.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewelry. Find Abi at her website or @see_abi_write.