Ask Molly | My Girlfriend Doesn't Want Sex | Sex Tips & Advice

Looking for sex tips or relationship advice? You're in good hands! Popcorn.dating presents sex columnist, photographer and sex blogger Molly Moore who's here to answer all of your burning questions. This month, Molly gives her best advice on how to deal with mismatched sex drives in a relationship. 

Dear Molly
I need some relationship advice. My girlfriend seems to be utterly uninterested in having sex with me. Whenever I try to engage with her sexually, she dismisses me. At first, I just thought it was a phase and that it would pass, but it has been going on for over a year now. I really don't know how to deal with the rejection anymore or what to do to try to change things. Is it unreasonable of me to expect some sort of sexual relationship? I really care about her and don't want to split up, but I have no idea how to fix this. Any advice?
Rejected S

Hi Rejected S,

I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this position. Dealing with the changes that occur within a relationship can be challenging at the best of times, but when it comes to sexual desires and specifically mismatched sex drives, it can be particularly tricky subject to broach.

Wanting to have a sexual relationship with your partner is perfectly natural and normal and feeling confused, angry, sad or even resentful when your advances are not reciprocated is understandable. Your girlfriend is obviously not obliged to have sex with you, but if your needs and desires are wildly different than hers, then solutions need to be found.

I know it is difficult when a partner, for whatever reason, chooses to deny sex but understanding what is causing it can go a long way to helping. Without knowing much about your girlfriend, I wonder if there is a particular event or issue that changed how she felt about sex or has had negatively affected her sex drive. Your question implies that before this current period of physical rejection things were OK in the bedroom, so what changed? 

Things like pregnancy, childbirth, stress, trauma and illness can all have a negative effect on a person's desire to have sex. If you can pinpoint a particular time or event that could have caused this change, it will help you to not only understand what is going on but also help you to talk to her about it. 

I am sure the idea of talking to her about this is a difficult one, but it really is the way forward because at the moment you are locked into a cycle of you making sexual advances and her rebuffing them. You need to stop that and replace it with an open conversation about the subject. Make sure you don't accuse her of withholding sex as that will sound like you are blaming her; instead you need to encourage her to confide in you by offering her a judgement free space where she can open up. Try saying things like "I have noticed you have not been feeling very sexy lately, is there anything you would like me to do to help you with that?".

Also, reassure her that you like the idea of sharing physical intimacy with her even if there is no sex involved. So you could suggest maybe having a bath or shower together, or offer to give her a massage or just laying down for a cuddle. However, you need to make it clear that it is just a massage or a bath and don't use it to try to advance to sex. You need to give her the space to feel like she can touch and be touched by you without it always leading to you wanting sex, and her feeling like it was all just a ploy to get her to have sex with you. 

If you find communicating particularly difficult, then I would highly recommend looking for a relationship counsellor or therapist. Ideally, share this idea with your partner and get them to come with you or go on your own to start with and get them to help you with skills and ideas of how best to have this conversation with your girlfriend. They can also help you figure out how to deal with rejection since many find that hard.  

There is an issue with how she feels about sex or her body that is causing her to feel this way, but the only way you are ever going to solve this is to talk openly and honestly to one another about what you both want and need. If she feels that she is just not interested in sex anymore, then you are going to have to decide if a sexless relationship is something you can live with or if that is, in fact, a deal breaker. 

I am optimistic that if you can open up the lines of communication with her, it can result in your two finding a new connection and hopefully reigniting your sex life.  

Good luck!
Molly