Ask Abi: Public kink, open relationship etiquette and proposing a threesome

Dear Abi,

I'm a lesbian in my early thirties. I've known for a long time that I'm kinky, but all of my experience has been in the bedroom with long term partners. I'd like to start playing in some sort of a scene or check out a few play parties but I don't know the best way to make that happen, short of spending way too much time on Fetlife. How can I get more involved?

Yours curiously,

Wondering How I Play

 

Dear W.H.I.P,

You say you don’t want to spend too much time on Fetlife, but right now it’s the best place to find what you’re looking for —as long as you make sure to concentrate on the Events section! Such a large proportion of the community use the site now that pretty much any public or open kink event is going to have some sort of presence there, which makes it a good bet wherever you are in the world.

If you’re worried about attending events at which you won’t know anyone, look for things with activities and attractions you could get something from alone rather than starting out with clubs and parties. Local to me we have the London Fetish Fair and the London Alternative Market, both of which have stalls, vendors, workshops and exhibitions as well as social areas and play space. I don’t know where you live, but there’s a good chance your nearest major city has something similar that Fetlife can help you find.

The trick is to find relaxed, welcoming environments in which you can make friends and get to know people - you’ll almost certainly get a lot more out of that at first than by going alone to a meat market fetish club. Which isn't to say that those aren't good fun—just that they’re usually better once you’re a little more established!

If any Londoners are reading this, my other recommendations would be Bar Wotever (and many of the other Wotever World events) and Coffee, Cake and Kink, who have recently re-opened their brick and mortar shop space after several years of being without premises.

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Dear Abi,

I'm a straight woman in my late 20's. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We've had a few conversations about opening up our relationship but can't seem to find the right way to start. It's like opening things up philosophically makes sense, but we're both reluctant to actually act on it. Should we be looking for randoms or friends? My boyfriend is worried that it'll be easier for me than for him. What do you think?

Monogamishly,

Nervous Newbie

 

Dear Nervous,

You should be looking for people you want to sleep with and who want to sleep with you. You might already know them or you might not; most of the time, good romantic and sexual connections happen organically rather than as a result of being forced. The process of finding people to date is pretty much the same as it always has been - how did you find your boyfriend, or any other partners you've had? Setting rules about who the people you date should be (only strangers, only people who are already our friends, nobody who doesn't have a primary partner themselves, whatever) doesn't usually work in practice—the theory might be sound, but that’s not how life works.

Your other question is a little unclear—do you mean that he thinks you’ll find an open relationship easier to deal with emotionally, or that he thinks you’ll find it easier to find other partners? Either way, these are bridges you cannot cross until you come to them. You can’t predict right now which way that stuff will go, but you can promise each other that you’ll learn about it together every step of the way.

It sounds like you’re approaching this in a thoughtful and considered manner, and doing a better job than many of keeping the lines of communication open. Keep that up—it’s more than half the battle—but avoid the trap of overthinking everything. A lot of what’s worrying you right now is nebulous potential future stuff that might never even happen. Wait for your chickens to hatch before you start trying to count them, Nervous, and chances are you’ll be just fine.

**********

Dear Abi,

What's the best way to start a conversation with my girlfriend about a threesome? We haven't been together very long, but I think she'll be up for it.

Hopeful Unicorn Hunter

 

Dear H.U.H,

Try making a conversation about your sexual fantasies a part of foreplay sometime. Tell her how much you’d like to try having a threesome with her, and frame it in an overtly arousing way: describe the things you’d like to do and the things that would be hot about it. Ask her if she ever thinks about having sex with more than one person at once, and encourage her to talk about the things she’s imagined doing under such circumstances.

If she doesn't like the idea, you can move on to other fantasies pretty easily and keep the foreplay going. If she’s into the fantasy but doesn't necessarily want to try it in real life you’ll probably both still get some hot sex out of the conversation. And if, as you suspect will be the case, it turns her on too—then you've opened a dialogue.

If the conversation does go the way you hope, watch this space—I’ll soon be posting a Popcorn.dating article about how to find, instigate and enjoy a successful threesome that keeps everyone happy.

 

Ask Abi is a bimonthly sex advice column written by Abi Brown. Email your questions to [email protected]. Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.