Ask Abi: Happy threesomes, finding a unicorn, and the awkward one night stand

Dear Abi,

I'm gay and in my early 20's, in a large American city. I've been dating a guy for the last eight months. It's not quite casual but not super serious either. Recently we've had a couple threesomes, always in safe situations with friends. Every time, my boyfriend seems to be paying much more attention to the other guy than to me. I've brought it up with him, and he says I'm just being oversensitive. But still, there's always a point where I end up feeling a little left out of the action. What should I do? Is this indicative of some bigger problem?

With concern,

The Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel,

The truth is that threesomes are just a bit like that. It’s not easy to keep two people going at once, so the usual approach is for two people to simultaneously be concentrating on one person at a time - and then for that to rotate through the three of you. If that circulation falls down, someone’s going to end up feeling a little left out. If it happens again, respond to it by just plunging back in - you’ll be feeling less left out in no time at all.

What’s your sex life like otherwise? If you’re still enjoying a happy, healthy sex life when it’s just the two of you, it’s very likely that you don’t have anything to worry about.

I’m not saying it’s impossible that there’s something up, of course - only you know that. What you describe here is certainly explicable in an otherwise healthy and happy relationship, however.


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Dear Abi,

What's the proper etiquette for a straight couple out in a social situation (bar, party, etc...) that is looking for a NSA third? Should we both go talk to someone together? Go one at a time? How direct should we be?

Yours awkwardly,

The Unicorn Hunters


Dear UH,

It can be hot as hell to fantasise with a partner about what it would be like if there were a third party present - what you’d each do, what you’d each want, who’d be where when, all the rest of it. When you have those fantasies, though, the third person in them isn’t a real person: they’re a prop. That’s fine for fantasy, but it’s not the same in real life. Propositioning someone you’ve just met at a party to be your “NSA third”, however you do it and whatever configuration you approach them in, is pretty much just treating them as a prop; someone who you expect to fit in exactly with your wants and your needs and your relationship with no regards to what they might be thinking.

I’ve had plenty of threesomes, including several that were no-strings-attached casual things with existing straight couples. None of them, however, were the result of being “approached” or “looked for”; the truth about these things is that either they come about naturally or they don’t.

Make friends with people. Make friends with people you like and people you fancy and people you respect. Make friends with people who are interested in the roles and subcultures that you’re interested in. Enjoy the company of those friends; spend time with them, hang out, like them more than you like the thought of what you want to do with them. See what happens. Either it will come about naturally, or it won’t.
 

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Dear Abi,

I'm a 29 year old straight girl in Brussels. I was out on a date with a guy I met on Tinder last weekend, and it went really well. He was super nice and considerate, but when we went back to my place, I was out of condoms, and he said he had no condoms either, but he did have a couple of those small packets of lube. He proposed anal. I'm not sure why, but the whole situation started to feel really weird. I asked him to leave and he did, though a bit confused. Was I right to be a little taken aback here?

Bemusedly,

G

Dear G,

There’s nothing inherently wrong with him suggesting anal and it sounds like he behaved pretty decently all round - I hope he didn’t give you any grief before he left, but it doesn’t sound like he did. You also did the right thing: once you didn’t feel comfortable in the situation any more you removed yourself from it.

You weren’t “right” or “wrong” to be taken aback; you just were. A different person wouldn’t be right or wrong to have responded with “ooh, yay, my favourite”. You correctly exercised your inherent right to say “no”, and he respected it - from what I can see, the system worked pretty smoothly this time.

 

Ask Abi is a bimonthly sex advice column written by Abi Brown. Email your questions to [email protected]. Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.