Ways to fuck up a first date
I’ve done the whole Internet dating thing, I’ve met people in bars and I’ve had relationships with my friends. I understand that dating can be fucking awkward. It’s not as simple as dressing smart and picking up the bill, is it? So here are 10 ways to fuck up a first date (that you should really avoid if you ever want to get laid/find someone ever).
1. Tell them all about your exes
Or previous conquests. Or anyone you’ve kissed ever. Okay so you might have a hilarious story from last Friday night where some bloke stuck his tongue down your throat and you pretended not to love it, but they don’t want to hear how much of a slut you are. Let them find that out on their own. And unless your ex comes running in and announces that they’re still madly in love with you, then you really don’t need to tell your date about them.
2. Demonstrate the recent interview skills you’ve learnt
While you want to get to know your date, avoid firing 20 questions at them. ‘Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?’ ‘Not with you’ will end up being their answer. So calm the fuck down and make conversation. Or this will be your first and only ever date.
3. Turn up hungover and ready to vomit from the night before
So you went out last night and forgot you’ve got a dinner date. I’m sure you can cover up those bags under your eyes with some make up, they never have to know. You probably still smell like alcohol, so you spray on some perfume. But the water you’re drinking will give it away along with the disgusted look on your face every time you take a mouthful.
4. Say any of the following
‘I’m so happy you turned up. Most guys give me a fake phone number and never talk to me again.’
‘You look so different in your profile picture.’
‘So, what are your favourite baby names?’
‘Have you been on many dates? If this goes well I’ll cancel my date tomorrow.’
‘I’ve never had sex on a first date before, but I could make an exception.’
5. Sit fiddling with your mobile phone
There is no reason to be checking Twitter or updating your Facebook status on a first date. Or on any date in fact. They’ll think you’re boring as hell and will ‘go to the loo’ and never return.
6. Let them know you’ve already stalked them online
Okay, so a lot of us are guilty for checking out our date on social networking before hand, but don’t go asking ‘how was your holiday to Greece? Who’s the girl in your profile picture?’ because you’ll just look like a complete psycho. This will definitely fuck it up and land you with the bill and them out the door.
7. Mention how much you want to get married
Even if you feel an amazing connection you don’t want to seem like you’ve already got your wedding dress hanging up at home. They’ll be running for the hills and you’ll be left eating your dessert alone.
8.
8. Talk about sex. A lot.
Even if you think they’re the hottest person you’ve ever seen, you don’t need to tell them how much you want to see them naked. ‘Oh I love a good spanking’ is not going to get you a serious second date. Unless you’re dating a dominatrix, scouting around for a fuck buddy or like to fuck on the first date of course. I won’t judge.
photos by Toms Bauģis via Flickr and Intelfreepress via Flickr and Jean Koulev via Flickrunder a CC BY 2.0 license
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